On April 11th, I gave birth to a tiny baby boy; Too small to survive. And yes it hurts, but I’m not at the point where I am ready to say goodbye. I know that he is gone but I still deal with the same things any mother who has carried a child full-term would go through. So, I spend this time cherishing the changes because the love that they, that he, has brought me is immeasurable. And I want to bask in them for as along as I can so that I still feel like I have him.
I got to hold his tiny body and I got to watch his daddy hold him and love him and kiss him. And I am grateful to have had the chance to watch my husband love beyond his bounds and I am grateful that he has chosen to share that leftover love with me. I see these kind of tragedies tear families apart but it has brought us so close together. I could not have asked God for a more perfect husband and father of my children.
Oh my goodness do we grieve. Some days we choose a spot in the house and give up. We cry constantly but I know it is because we loved and we loved hard and there is comfort in knowing that if he had survived, Matthias would have been loved to the fullest. To know that we are capable of that is indescribable. I just wish he had stayed around longer to witness it. To have it.
But he’ll have my heart forever. And ever. And ever and ever.
And I’ll continue to try to bring life from this loss. And I will continue to say his name until people acknowledge his short existence. And we will always love as hard as he made us. And we will grow and live the fullest lives we can without him.
I watched my husband struggle with helping a woman put large items into her small car in the parking lot of a hardware store for a while. When it was all said and done, I asked him why hadn’t he given up. I know I would have and he took my hand and said:
“I want to be the father that he would have had. I want to show the world the kind of father he has.”
We’ll forever be better people because of you, Matthias. We’ll never be whole but we will forever be better.