I’ve Missed You Too.

Hey Everyone, 

I know that I have been missing from the blogger scene for an obscene amount of time but if you are at all familiar with my story, I’m sure you know or understand why. It’s been a long and emotional battle to get back to the mindset to sit here at my laptop and begin sharing my life with you again. Life continues to be an uphill battle but I’m attempting to get to the top, or as close to the top, of it as possible. Thank you all for being a helping hand. 

So, to start, I didn’t spend the entire five months crying. Yes, I spent most of it crying but I also believe that a majority of my hiatus was spent growing and learning new things about myself. I learned that I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. I have also learned that I am strong and capable of beating it and that I absolutely could not have done it without a support system. I’ve learned that I am battling with Simple Hyperplasia, an illness that will likely put my journey of having living children on hold for a while. That has taught me patience. Its given me terrible heartache but it’s taught me that life is unpredictable and you have to adapt to what it throws your way. 

I’ve learned that I am a good friend and that I am amazing at having an open ear to anyone that needs it. I have learned that my life experiences have allowed me to provide understanding to others. And, in a way, that makes the events of the past two years somewhat justifiable. It helps me have some sort of understanding of them as well. 

I learned that even though I have the desire to travel, I just want to be home. I traveled to Niagara Falls, Toronto and Florida in the past four months alone and I loved every minute of it but it made me appreciate the simplicity of making a cup of your favorite tea in your favorite teacup while your husband plays Overwatch. I learned that I can cook, that I do one heck of a job at homesteading, that I have an eye for design and that I do, in fact, have a personality. That I have talented hands that can make beautiful things. That I am a flipping cat lady. 

There, I said it. 

But most importantly, I learned how love the hardest I could ever love. I learned how to love living without designer labels. To love this old home because its mine. To love the memory of my son. To love the kinks in my hair. To love my husband more than I thought ever possible. To love a really really good burger joint. To love myself enough to defend myself against individuals that seek to hurt me. To simply love…

Me.

 

Matthais Asher Liken

On April 11th, I gave birth to a tiny baby boy; Too small to survive. And yes it hurts, but I’m not at the point where I am ready to say goodbye. I know that he is gone but I still deal with the same things any mother who has carried a child full-term would go through. So, I spend this time cherishing the changes because the love that they, that he, has brought me is immeasurable. And I want to bask in them for as along as I can so that I still feel like I have him. 

I got to hold his tiny body and I got to watch his daddy hold him and love him and kiss him. And I am grateful to have had the chance to watch my husband love beyond his bounds and I am grateful that he has chosen to share that leftover love with me. I see these kind of tragedies tear families apart but it has brought us so close together. I could not have asked God for a more perfect husband and father of my children.

Oh my goodness do we grieve. Some days we choose a spot in the house and give up. We cry constantly but I know it is because we loved and we loved hard and there is comfort in knowing that if he had survived, Matthias would have been loved to the fullest. To know that we are capable of that is indescribable. I just wish he had stayed around longer to witness it. To have it. 

But he’ll have my heart forever. And ever. And ever and ever.

And I’ll continue to try to bring life from this loss. And I will continue to say his name until people acknowledge his short existence. And we will always love as hard as he made us. And we will grow and live the fullest lives we can without him. 

I watched my husband struggle with helping a woman put large items into her small car in the parking lot of a hardware store for a while. When it was all said and done, I asked him why hadn’t he given up. I know I would have and he took my hand and said:

“I want to be the father that he would have had. I want to show the world the kind of father he has.”

We’ll forever be better people because of you, Matthias. We’ll never be whole but we will forever be better. 

Leaving 2016 Where it is.

There are no words to describe this year. I can’t even began to process the heartbreak that it has awarded. So, I’m leaving it here and I am looking forward to starting fresh and new in this coming year. 

Pray for me, friends. Keep me in your thoughts and I will see you and cherish your kindness and loyalty in the new year.

Merry Christmas and a, hopefully, Happy New Year.