Don’t Be Afraid of The Stars Anymore

When we pulled up to our new home in a small town in the pitch dark, I was overwhelmed by the size of the moon and the sky blanketed with bright and scary stars. I remember closing my eyes quickly and getting nauseous. My heart began to race and my mom became concerned about my breathing. I gripped my backpack as my sister led me inside this empty new house and sat me on the floor. When she asked what was wrong, I answered. She laughed. So did everyone else. 

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Pep Talk

Dear Self,

I know that you are afraid. Take a minute to compose your thoughts and take a deep breath. Just remember that all of this was all a part of your life plan. Take it easy on yourself, please?

Quitting your job came sooner than you thought and that is okay. It wasn’t a good fit so, you had to be fair to yourself and your employer because your heart wasn’t in it anymore. That happens sometimes. Besides, you came away from this experience with an entirely new skill set that will allow you to apply it to your own work or a new job without a problem. There is still a path for you.

2016 did not start well. Your best friend moved away and it hit you like a ton of bricks. You’re happy for her but it is perfectly alright for you to be sad for yourself. Change is hard to cope with but what a valuable lesson this has taught you. You discovered that it’s totally fine to be a little selfish sometimes and though this may sound sad, loneliness has taught you independence. But now there are no fears or strings holding you back from getting to see the world yourself or being a part of adventures that will lead to to knew friends. Put yourself out there.

This year has the opportunity to be your best year yet. So, do this for us. Get out there and show this world what you’ve got. We’ll be better for it, I promise.

Sincerely,
Me

P.S. I like what I see in the mirror sometimes. Don’t be afraid to see that more often.

The Honest Ending: 2015

I thought I’d so something a little different than the end of the year roundup this time around and get personal.

2015 has been good to me in a lot of ways but there has been one giant monster tearing it to shreds and making it a living nightmare for me: My health.

It started almost a year and a half ago when I began to feel off. I was tired and barely had to energy to get out of bed most days, I was always cold and developed an unsatisfiable craving for ice and (sorry if this is TMI) my monthly visit was now two months late. I went to the doctor and after my first round of blood test, it was classified as just anemia and I was told that iron pills should do the trick. Simple enough, right?

After about two weeks of taking iron, I started to feel like myself again and my cycle seemed to be back on track. So I thought.

When my cycle came around, it lasted for 4 whole months with no end in site. I went to my primary and she said there was nothing she could do, so she recommended me to a specialist that wouldn’t see me for another 2 months. That left me on my own to try and find one that would be able to see me. Eighteen phone calls later, I was in touch with a doctor that felt sorry enough to see me but when I did see her, she was 8 months pregnant and said she could do nothing for me until I ran additional test. By the time I got the test done, she was on maternity leave and I was left with no answers. It was frustrating.

By this time, I was severely anemic and no amount of emergency room visits or iron pills would help. Eventually I did get around to seeing two other specialist who both told me they had no clue what to do for me. One of them prescribed me something to halt the cycle and it worked for about three months and the problem returned. On top of other things.

Now, I can’t even explain to you how heartbreaking it is to be dealing with this kind of issue and have your husband enthusiastically exclaim one night at the dinner table that he wants to have a baby. After an all nighter of sobbing, cuddling and talking, we decided to see a fertility specialist. Surely they would know what to do! Well, we are hoping.

If you were wondering why blog post have been few and far in-between, it is because I have been busy getting blood test and screenings out the wahzoo. There is still no clear explanation as to why this is happening but I feel completely confident in my care team to figure this out. We’re focusing more on my overall well-being than the prospects of a baby, so no little ones yet but we’re hoping that I can get back to normal soon so that, just maybe, around this time next year we’ll be announcing something a little more joyful.

I thank you all for reading and your encouragement this year on my ventures. 2016 will greet me with surgery but I have a feeling that this year will supply me with more comfort and happiness than I could ever imagine.

I wish you all a Happy New Year!