I’m not at all ready to talk about the details of what happened because I’ve relived it one too many times already so, I’m sorry to anyone that was interested.
I am feeling so many things right now. I think I’m done with the painful and constant crying bit of the devastating loss of a pregnancy but boy does it leave such an indescribable emptiness to you. It took me until just a day or two ago to acknowledge that my child was gone but I think we’re doing pretty good to be able to laugh with one another again at just two weeks past the event. We’ve learned so much about ourselves, love and marriage through this all.
Joshua, who is usually very strong and closed (“manly”) up with his feelings, has opened up so much. As a woman going through all of the physical pain, you would never imagine that you could recognized how much the guy actually hurts in this situation and this may sound brash but knowing that he was in as much pain as I was/am made this all so much easier. I knew that I wouldn’t have to find a way to heal alone. I wasn’t/am not in this alone. We experienced this together and we are getting one another through this.
Guilt is overwhelming. I felt so guilty for moving on with day to day life. How dare I be hungry? How could I be so worried about food? Clean the house? I should be ashamed of myself. I felt guilty for breathing. For getting a full nights sleep. You don’t fully understand guilt until you understand grief.
I find myself not having any room whatsoever for other people’s feelings. I’m usually very considerate but in this situation, no one else’s feelings trump mine and my husband’s. THAT, I don’t feel guilty about.
I can’t think about what our future will be like because this is still very much in the present but I’m hoping and as much as it make’s people uncomfortable, I am praying to God for clarity and peace.
My Lord, do I need peace.