Titus or Evangeline

Note to Reader: This post is very emotional and can be a trigger to anyone who has dealt with the loss of a child or to someone who has a hard time with emotional stories in general.

Dear Little One, 

We don’t know what you would have looked like but your daddy and I love you very much. It’s very, extremely, easy to get sad and teary-eyed at the thought of losing you but I feel like doing so, now, would be so disrespectful to the treasures you left behind. We miss you so much but you didn’t leave us broken and lost. You gave us such healing, little one. 

That night in the hospital room when the nurse told us that they didn’t find your heartbeat, your papa and I found out how much love we really had for one another. We held each other and could do nothing but wipe each other’s tears away. Both of us filled with grief but so filled with love that we gave all of ourselves, each to the other, without a thought. I didn’t for a second think about myself, your warm and loving carrier. Instead I put my leftover energy into taking care of your papa’s now fragile heart. You were his first major loss and it just so happened that you were also his greatest gift. Which, made losing you, sweet child, so hard for him.

But I think dad and I are over the sorrow because you have provided so much to us. We smile at one another often when we think of you. We remember how brave you made two young and scared people the moment we saw your heart beat a million beats a minute. We melt when we recount the moments you brought us close. Long summer nights cradled together for belly rubs. Your name was chosen almost immediately. 

You’ve made me a new person, literally. The short time I had the pleasure of carrying you, you restored me to who I was supposed to be. You multiplied my blood, curing me of my terrible anemia. Which, in turn, helped my anxiety and sensory overload.  All of your tiny preciousness provided me hormonal stability that corrected the health issues I battled for almost two years. You gifted me with the chance to give you a sibling without the assistance of medical intervention. How can I be sad about all that you’ve given me? All that you have given us?

We will always miss you our dear Titus or Evangeline. But, we thank you for the gems you left behind to help us survive. Words cannot express how much we really do love you.

Forever yours,
Mommy

 

9 thoughts on “Titus or Evangeline

  1. Joy, this is such a heartbreaking letter. *hugs* Heartbreaking, but so beautifully written. The love you guys have towards Titus or Evangeline is so real. I know this was a difficult loss, and it shows in the letter, but I also can feel the hope at the end. Thank you for writing this poignant letter. You’re an amazing Mother. I’m only sorry this chance was taken from you, but I do hope you will have another chance soon.

  2. It was heartbreaking when I heard about this. I am sorry that your little one didn’t have a chance, but the situation empowered you to have a better health. It’s heart touching that this brought the both of you together more than ever. You are very strong for going through this. I wish you both the best and thank you for sharing this. It helped me as a reader take a step back and reflect a bit more on how precious life is. Hang on in there ♥

  3. This is a real heart-wrenching piece you wrote. I’m very sorry for your loss. This is something no one should suffer, and it breaks people apart, but I’m glad you are strong enough to lend your strength to come out of this for both you and your husband. You will always be a great parent! Take Care.

  4. I can’t begin to describe the happiness and even sadness at this. <3 There is beauty in the tragedy and sorrow. There is hope and light. Love among the darkness. This letter proves this. Much love to you and your SO, always.

  5. My heart is breaking reading this and I’m sure you must be going through a difficult time right now. Yet you still manage to look on the bright side and look at what you gained from the situation. You’re such a strong woman. Sending lots of hugs!

  6. This is such a beautiful letter, Joy. It’s so heart breaking that this happened and that you’ve had to go through a tough loss. I can’t imagine what it’s been like, but you and your husband are strong and have a wonderful relationship! You’re amazing for pulling through and moving forward with positivity. I wish you both the best <3 *hugs*

  7. Wow Joy, I have no words. This is such an amazing, beautiful heartbreaking letter. Your positivity and love elude such glow and strength. With all that you’ve been through, I admire the strength and goodness you have. Hugs and many happy thoughts for the future.

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