Note to Reader: This post is very emotional and can be a trigger to anyone who has dealt with the loss of a child or to someone who has a hard time with emotional stories in general.
Dear Little One,
We don’t know what you would have looked like but your daddy and I love you very much. It’s very, extremely, easy to get sad and teary-eyed at the thought of losing you but I feel like doing so, now, would be so disrespectful to the treasures you left behind. We miss you so much but you didn’t leave us broken and lost. You gave us such healing, little one.
That night in the hospital room when the nurse told us that they didn’t find your heartbeat, your papa and I found out how much love we really had for one another. We held each other and could do nothing but wipe each other’s tears away. Both of us filled with grief but so filled with love that we gave all of ourselves, each to the other, without a thought. I didn’t for a second think about myself, your warm and loving carrier. Instead I put my leftover energy into taking care of your papa’s now fragile heart. You were his first major loss and it just so happened that you were also his greatest gift. Which, made losing you, sweet child, so hard for him.
But I think dad and I are over the sorrow because you have provided so much to us. We smile at one another often when we think of you. We remember how brave you made two young and scared people the moment we saw your heart beat a million beats a minute. We melt when we recount the moments you brought us close. Long summer nights cradled together for belly rubs. Your name was chosen almost immediately.
You’ve made me a new person, literally. The short time I had the pleasure of carrying you, you restored me to who I was supposed to be. You multiplied my blood, curing me of my terrible anemia. Which, in turn, helped my anxiety and sensory overload. All of your tiny preciousness provided me hormonal stability that corrected the health issues I battled for almost two years. You gifted me with the chance to give you a sibling without the assistance of medical intervention. How can I be sad about all that you’ve given me? All that you have given us?
We will always miss you our dear Titus or Evangeline. But, we thank you for the gems you left behind to help us survive. Words cannot express how much we really do love you.